panic

yesterday had a panic attack about travelling by train in the dark incase it set off my blood pressure hypo or something. missing a lesson by staying at Buoys til morning when it's light and less ill making is guilty making

hair strokings

Scared of being told off for going to Master's room and asking for affection by my presence.
Guilty for feeling scared when Master is so welcoming.

showertiem

I was going to have a shower about 10 minutes ago but 11 minutes ago people came back and i'm scared to leave the room and announce my presence into their conversation to ask them if they need to loo or anything before i steal the bathroom from them.

had a small panic attack about it.

went to a councillor lady about this shit and talked through some stuff. she gave me relaxation techniques and ways of going through stuff in my head. which i'm apparently already doing. but i should be applying that now. i'm scared of applying that - what if i get it wrong.

this is fucking ridiculous.

1st day back in Germany i need to travel at ridiculously early in the morning to my uni and get a lot of information from new people who aren't necessarily going to understand my German and may revert to english around me. I was getting Bouy to come with me but he said it would probably be best to go by myself as i'm more likely to make friends with people if i'm by myself. which i guess is true.
It's a choice between sliding into social interaction by avoiding it and clinging to Bouy, or plunging feet first in without Bouy and getting somewhere; eating my toad with biting down as hard as possible bites.

my lovely turquoise dress. i want to wear it but...

i'm frightened of wearing clothes that i wore the last time you saw me because you'll think...

i don't know what. that i'm smelly? that i'm incapable of turning into other versions of myself with other clothes?

i tend to wear black. what if you've never seen me wear colour?! what if you think that that makes me weird?

I HAVE COLOURS. they're just wrapped up with the comforting black.

if i'm wearing the exact same outfit it makes me feel like i'm a cartoon character that doesn't change his clothes ever for the entire show - that i'm somehow one dimensional and incapable of being a person and being talked and having you as a friend. i'm already timid as fuck in conversations, and feel like i'm pushed out of them when i'm sat there silent for 30 minutes solid - i feel like it's your fault not me being quiet.

btw i hate the word outfit for some reason. maybe because it implies i'm some prissy thing that changes my wardrobe every season; i've had the same clothes most of my life. and only just in the last 2 years have i felt comfortable and nice in what i've worn.

attractiveness is quietly important to me at all times, which makes me retch but it's a powerful chain.

29/7/11 scared i'm deluding myself

i'm scared that i've imagined the affection my boy gives me, and that when i wake up he won't be there or be the person he is in my memory/dreams.

this is because this is how i lived for a year of my life - i would have a day of feeling as tho i was being ignored, then go to sleep and dream lovely things so that when i woke up i thought everything was alright. then i'd start a conversation and feel that i was being ignored apart from if i was needed for gratification. then fall asleep.
devil's circle, not all his fault.

i'm sorry. i'm fucked up and it confuses boy when i wake up and say 'you exist!' and stroke his face.

my current fears.

Today I was going to go for a little trip to Hannover to get a Mooncup - a more ethical alternative to tampons - but instead i'm sat here at the computer.

I'm also hungry; I can't make myself go to the kitchen.

I'm at my boyfriend's house and he's asleep and not going to get up for a while so i am refusing to go outside because of the tiny chance that i could get him to go out with me.

Every time i prod myself a little to try and go outside a huge well of shame and misery comes over me and i flinch back into being online and doing nothing productive.

I still need to tidy out my room and get all my stuff to my boyfriend's place so that i can lock my room one last time and hand in the key.

I'm waiting for my teacher to get back to me so i can apply for a German uni - i don't understand parts of the form.

i need to do this and then print it off and post it to them, preferably within Germany.

I also need to Check in and print off my flight boarding pass - which i always almost forget to do. i'll need to do my printing either by myself at the library, or with boy at the uni.

If my teacher got back to me i'd have half of the fears i currently do.

I'm waiting for her emails. She always pushes me to get over my fear and do stuff immediately. It makes me squirm and feel shameful but it gets me to do things.


I wish boy would wake up so i could go out.

this is a fucking weird form of agoraphobia - i'm not allowed to go outside by myself but i'm allowed to get on a plane and come to a foreign country by myself? the fuck?