i'm scared that i've imagined the affection my boy gives me, and that when i wake up he won't be there or be the person he is in my memory/dreams.
this is because this is how i lived for a year of my life - i would have a day of feeling as tho i was being ignored, then go to sleep and dream lovely things so that when i woke up i thought everything was alright. then i'd start a conversation and feel that i was being ignored apart from if i was needed for gratification. then fall asleep.
devil's circle, not all his fault.
i'm sorry. i'm fucked up and it confuses boy when i wake up and say 'you exist!' and stroke his face.
Friday, July 29, 2011
my current fears.
Today I was going to go for a little trip to Hannover to get a Mooncup - a more ethical alternative to tampons - but instead i'm sat here at the computer.
I'm also hungry; I can't make myself go to the kitchen.
I'm at my boyfriend's house and he's asleep and not going to get up for a while so i am refusing to go outside because of the tiny chance that i could get him to go out with me.
Every time i prod myself a little to try and go outside a huge well of shame and misery comes over me and i flinch back into being online and doing nothing productive.
I still need to tidy out my room and get all my stuff to my boyfriend's place so that i can lock my room one last time and hand in the key.
I'm waiting for my teacher to get back to me so i can apply for a German uni - i don't understand parts of the form.
i need to do this and then print it off and post it to them, preferably within Germany.
I also need to Check in and print off my flight boarding pass - which i always almost forget to do. i'll need to do my printing either by myself at the library, or with boy at the uni.
If my teacher got back to me i'd have half of the fears i currently do.
I'm waiting for her emails. She always pushes me to get over my fear and do stuff immediately. It makes me squirm and feel shameful but it gets me to do things.
I wish boy would wake up so i could go out.
this is a fucking weird form of agoraphobia - i'm not allowed to go outside by myself but i'm allowed to get on a plane and come to a foreign country by myself? the fuck?
I'm also hungry; I can't make myself go to the kitchen.
I'm at my boyfriend's house and he's asleep and not going to get up for a while so i am refusing to go outside because of the tiny chance that i could get him to go out with me.
Every time i prod myself a little to try and go outside a huge well of shame and misery comes over me and i flinch back into being online and doing nothing productive.
I still need to tidy out my room and get all my stuff to my boyfriend's place so that i can lock my room one last time and hand in the key.
I'm waiting for my teacher to get back to me so i can apply for a German uni - i don't understand parts of the form.
i need to do this and then print it off and post it to them, preferably within Germany.
I also need to Check in and print off my flight boarding pass - which i always almost forget to do. i'll need to do my printing either by myself at the library, or with boy at the uni.
If my teacher got back to me i'd have half of the fears i currently do.
I'm waiting for her emails. She always pushes me to get over my fear and do stuff immediately. It makes me squirm and feel shameful but it gets me to do things.
I wish boy would wake up so i could go out.
this is a fucking weird form of agoraphobia - i'm not allowed to go outside by myself but i'm allowed to get on a plane and come to a foreign country by myself? the fuck?
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